Scottservations From Church: Confessions from a Curious Soul

Every once in a while I like to go to church. I don’t go for your typical reasons like a feeling of obligation, guilt or even for the post-pew potluck and chatter. I go because I learn something new every time. And sometimes the information, perspective, point of view, and way of thinking – if looked at through the eyes of those who hold it rather than your own—is dense and powerful. The genesis of many of today’s rituals, symbols, laws and other diurnal duties can be traced directly to the major world religions.

I went to 12:00pm mass (also called, “high mass” to which I asked, “is there a low mass?” Reasonable question, no? Why so much hierarchy in Catholicism, we’re all friggin’ human?! Story continues below..). Generally speaking, when I think of Catholic -the brand- I think pomp, hypocrisy and a reputable place for women to go with unwanted pregnancies. Mass can be a beautiful and breathtaking parade evoking thoughts and descriptions like “ornate, edifices, relics and grandeur”, or it can be a downright freakshow.

I’ve been trying to keep the random Scottservations from today’s attendance in my short-term memory since the walk back home. I hope I can recall them all with clarity. Here they go, as I attempt to impose a sense of order to them all.

Thanks to St. Paul Cathedral for hosting my curious soul and opening the gates to insight.

- I will finally be able to tell someone else’s kid someday that I literally walked a mile in snow knee-deep , up and down hill, in the cold, just to go to church! And, I walked home afterwards.

- Irony was the theme for the day - sometimes implicit, other times explicit. Keep this in mind as you read on. See if you can detect it along the way.

- The weather was so bad that the priest gave members dispensation today, or a “pass”, if you will, from attending mass today. He noted and thanked everyone for the higher-than-usual attendance.

- Nothing says glorious morning, peace and happiness like bowing before an emaciated guy, wearing a crown of thorns, hands and feet nailed to a cross with blood oozing from his head. That’s creepy…lemme look up and around so it looks like I’m admiring the architecture..dat di daa…holy CRAP! There are pictures of death and destruction and misery and pain and blood and torture EVERYWHERE! These stories must have been like Grand Theft Auto of their time.

- I noted to my Catholic compadre on the way in the Cathedral how “hierarchical” the Catholic Church is; it’s as if there are levels of holiness and closeness to God, I remarked. There are, he said. By the time I could begin to question, we were finding our seat and the bells were tolling.

- Not so fast! What is this I see outlined along the side of The Mother Church of the Diocese of Pittsburgh bulletin: “Reverend William Dorner, Very Reverend Donald Breier and Most Reverend David Zubik”. There’s even a hierarchy and levels of reverendness?! I’ll bet in Catholic school they used “reverend infinity” as a superlative when boasting reverendness on the playground.

- Catholic Mass is a ceremony. Enjoyment of this ceremony can be measured and determined by many variables – acoustics, condition and comfort of pews, infants crying, hotness of priest, size of the organ (did I have to go there?!) to name a few.

- How come there’s a little old guy who holds the oversized Bible up for the priest to read? He reads the same thing every week. And they priest actually reads from the Bible as if it were a teleprompter. Shouldn’t he have it memorized by now?! Hmm..it’s like when we look at karaoke lyrics when we’ve SUNG THOSE SONGS A MILLION TIMES AND KNOW THEM BY HEART! Maybe we think that, somehow, by following the text, eyes zigzagging fixedly across the screen or page, the creator will speak through us, channeling the almighty.

- The kneel benches were particularly useful today as the floors became increasingly wet due to the snow melting from our shoes and boots.

- The young man (college freshman/sophomore) behind me knew every word to every chant, hymn and other priest parrot parts. He was by himself and must have been a bad, bad boy as he whispered audibly throughout prayer time that he needed “forgiveness…please, please forgive me” to the point that it made me wonder exactly it was that he did..and if it was safe for him to be sitting behind me.

- “Forgiveness Boy”, I’ll call him, mistook his bottle of aqua di holy for Aqua di Gio this morning. At least he smelled good.
o A side Scottservation, I smelled Aqua di Gio on four other guys, in separate areas of the church! God like Giorgio Armani.

- The Pope is the ultimate diva.

- Okay, the “Office of” or “position of” Pope is diva.

- The Catholic Church is the oldest, most effective and powerful network the planet has ever seen.

- When my friend sneezed, I was the only one to say….

- The guy beside me was very thoughtful for declining to shake my hand during “peace be with you” meet & greet, as he motioned to me that he had a cold. He had a pretty big nose too.

- Hey, I think I saw that A&F shirt on a documentary I watched yesterday. Those teenage kids from Boliva get paid $0.03 an hour to make those.

- Hey, why does the staff that the old guy is carrying have Jesus with one nail holding both feet together while the big statue cross on the side of the cathedral has Jesus with each foot nailed separately?

- During collection, I wondered how many cents of every dollar went to pay for lawyers. I further wondered how many cents per dollar went to pay off settlements for sexually abused children. I wondered even more how many people around me were thinking the same thing I was. Not too many.
o I wonder how much the electric bill was last month.

- Today, we especially prayed for those in the medical profession, those with terminal illness, that those who are serving in the military be kept safe, and finally for those who have vowed a life of poverty, celibacy and a vocation dedicated to God – priests.

- People are generally good-hearted and want to do what’s right. There’s a small fraction/faction that see this and exploit this in people. This small fraction/faction rules the world.

- Our homily today dealt with trust. Simon was a fisherman. This one day, he was really pooped. Been out all day long and caught nothing. His nets were clean and he was ‘bout to go home when Jesus showed up and told him to go out farther and cast his nets. Long story short, Simon started catching so many fish his nets began to break. Then, he had so many fish on his boat that it was in danger of sinking (or, as my Grandmom would say, it pert near sank).
o If this story were written in periodic table-esque form, it would be Fe-E.

- The bathrooms were clean and comfy, the first stall was private and ideal for #2.