Hello.I am a word, but one little word in the English language and I am here to set the record straight. The problem is that I am often misunderstood, taken out of context and I feel used.People use me in every conceivable situation and have assigned my name to so many different things that the mere mention of my name furrows foreheads and casts confusion amidst otherwise uninterrupted, smooth discussions.How is it that a word like me is being cheated of my own unique identity while other words like squeegee command immediate recognition?! Let me explain to you what I mean.
The origin of my proper name, William, is a popular given name of old Germanic origin. It became very popular in the English language after the Norman Conquest of 1066, and remained so throughout the Middle Ages and into the modern era.Since then, I have been shortened to just four letters (actually three distinct letters, one is used twice) and one syllable.
I am often coupled with and used to describe the word “dollar” (a piece of paper money in United States’ currency).However, in American slang, particularly among those involved in gambling or the black market, my name is synonymous to the highest denomination of currency – one hundred big ones, bearing the face of Philadelphia native and noted inventor Benjamin Franklin.
Many people who live on their own, rent or pay mortgage cringe at the mere thought me! Perhaps this is why I am given away so eagerly and so freely.In fact, utility companies (mainly electric, hydro, cable, phone and waste management) send a copy of me to each of their customers once a month or more.Others accept me with somewhat reluctantly with sigh after having received a copy of me in exchange a product or service rendered, such as a meal in a restaurant or repairs on a vehicle.My versatility is showcased most often in this scenario as I can be used as a noun (the document, statement or list of product(s) and/or service(s) provided) or as a verb (the act of issuing the aforementioned document, statement or list).Oh no, there’s more…
Picture in your mind a baseball field. See the players in the outfield? You see what they are wearing on their head?Now zoom in closer…I am the canopy on their cap, the awning over their eyes, indeed the brim of their hat.
From the forehead to the middle of the face, this says it all: a bird is to a beak as a duck is to…me!
Showbiz and Hollywood folk use me as well.Evidently, they deem me worthy to detail the lineup of acts, shows, performances and other forms of entertainment, generally taking the form of a list for a particular event.
Things I Miss About Seattle – In No Particular Order
1)The Stranger – Smart, witty, tongue-in-cheek, finger-on-the-pulse-of-the-city weekly publication with an outstanding team led by Dan Savage that delivers consistency and reader anticipation week after week.
2)Mike’s Noodle House – Small, intimate setting keeps things clean & efficient for a fresh, hot, authentic meal that has added a new dimension to traditional, Western “comfort foods”.
3)Summer Weather & Spectacular Scenery – Unless you’ve visited, most know only of the gray, damp days of Seattle. But June to October (generally speaking) boasts sun-filled, cloudless days with perfect temps, breathtaking views of Mt. Ranier, Cascades, sparkling crests on Lake Washington and soothing sunsets across Puget Sound.
4)Gigantic Goodwill – VCRs, weird wires, industry-aberrant frame sizes – I once got a $5 box fan there during an unusual and brutal heatwave when absolutely every other store in the area was completely sold out! A bazillion sq. ft. of new, old and needle-in-a-haystack needs that fall between low-price and priceless.
5)Brooke & Monti – Movin’ 92.5 – refreshing mix of real, funny and really funny – saviors of the morning commute.
6)After Hours – Holy hodgepodge!Non-traditional venues for restaurant workers, bartenders, other “closers” and those who get warmed up after dinner and don’t like to drown themselves in a race to throw down booze before 2am only to drive home drunk (think: European/South American party style).The freaks definitely do come out this late at night, so try my advice: get in, get’cher fun on and avoid holding eye contact with someone for more than 3 seconds.
7)Uptight Seattleite – The wittiest use of Seattle-esque tactics and idiosyncrasies used to satirize Seattle. Like watching a film in your native language with a group of people who are reading the subtitles in their language, transplants will be the only ones getting the references and jokes while the others are reading a totally different translation. This column is a dog whistle for transplants and the few Seattleites who are tuned in to self-deprecating humor.
8)Pho’ – Cold, flu, hangover or just a tummy-warming treat. Seattle’s got plenty of good, cheap, no-frills Pho’ places.And one with a frill that’s to die for – Than Bros complimentary cream puff!
9)Re-PC – Mouses/Mice (?!), memory, monitors, keyboards, speakers, scanners, printers, MP3s, software…find what you need while rummaging through mountains of well-organized everything electronic – all for just a couple of bucks if you don’t mind “pre-owned” or corporate bulk.
10)DMV – Do not adjust your lenses, that does indeed stand for Department of Motor Vehicles.Websites (not all of them, but the few that I used) for each of the locations feature a real-time camera of the waiting room, an estimated wait time counter on the side and –the downtown one I used—lets you get a number before you go. The ultimate oxymoron – an efficient DMV.
11)The Seattle Freeze – One day I will write a whole piece on this intriguing, perplexing phenomenon that defines the gradual perception and paradigm shift between visiting Seattle and living in Seattle.Read the linked article that put a name to the face (change) that becomes the center point for all transplants to the city.
12)Tweakers – Seattle’s dirty little sub-culture secret: paranoid, after-hours, couch-surfing, thieving, meth-head population that would anchor an Intervention franchise and earn Dr. Drew Pinsky tenure.
13)Meth Dealers – Supplying the aforementioned Tweakers and all the spectacles that go with them.
Operating in their very own time zone, sometimes in tandem with police, with the mailman, with the local mafia - just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all…
14)Riding the Bus – Sound Transit – Again, the sights, sounds, spectacles and police blotter entries merit a column of their own. But here’s a recent example.
15)Committees – The laudable effort to be all-inclusive seems to yield the unintended consequence of inertia and mediocrity.Donald Trump blasted the idea of design-by-committee and specifically pointed to the invisible Freedom Tower as a result for this approach.Silver lining: I was able to work the word clusterf*@% into my lexicon.
16)Passive~Aggressive – Did that person just tell me to go eff myself? But she was smiling and polite. Wait, what just happened here?
17)Mayor Greg Nichols - …oh wait….he’s no longer…REALLY?!
18)People’s Republic of Capitol Hill – Cap Hill Resident: “Go WHERE?! Why? Those people are weird, rude, shady, flaky…there. Let’s just go somewhere around HERE instead. (Few minutes later) I am like SO tired of this place, you always see the same people every day here. I am SO over it. Hey, wanna go to Broadway?”
19)Voting Repeatedly to Raise Taxes – referendums, ballot measures every election or voting cycle to raise taxes for fill-in-the-blank cause. Yes! to higher taxes!
20)Caucasian Guilt Complex – I won’t exacerbate the guilt by calling you out. You know who you are.
21)Homeless –A terrible, structural problem that the city boldy confronted with a 10 Year Plan to end homelessness.Street corners, Pike Place lookout, on/off ramps..the ubiquitous panhandlers can make a pretty good living.I heard a radio interview with a homeless advocate pleading with people not to give them cash, that the city and charities have ample resources to help.Two studies I read during my 5 year stay alleged prime locations can yield a mind-boggling average of $400 a DAY!See: Caucasian Guilt Complex.
22)Dogs – Doggie daycare, doggie spas, obedience school, world class grooming…watching people greet, inquire about, obligatory ask-before-petting, referring to them by their “real name” instead of “he/she”.
23)All the beautiful, bizarre, mysterious, unexplained, seemingly impossible, conspiratorial, downright effed up phenomenon & other I’d-tell-you-but-you-wouldn’t-believe-me-anyway shit that I witnessed & chipped away at my sanity, (mental) health, faith in human beings, common sense and logic. But it wouldn’t have been the same without it.
