Things I Miss About Seattle – In No Particular Order

Things I Miss About Seattle – In No Particular Order

1) The Stranger – Smart, witty, tongue-in-cheek, finger-on-the-pulse-of-the-city weekly publication with an outstanding team led by Dan Savage that delivers consistency and reader anticipation week after week.

2) Mike’s Noodle House – Small, intimate setting keeps things clean & efficient for a fresh, hot, authentic meal that has added a new dimension to traditional, Western “comfort foods”.

3) Summer Weather & Spectacular Scenery – Unless you’ve visited, most know only of the gray, damp days of Seattle. But June to October (generally speaking) boasts sun-filled, cloudless days with perfect temps, breathtaking views of Mt. Ranier, Cascades, sparkling crests on Lake Washington and soothing sunsets across Puget Sound.

4) Gigantic Goodwill – VCRs, weird wires, industry-aberrant frame sizes – I once got a $5 box fan there during an unusual and brutal heatwave when absolutely every other store in the area was completely sold out! A bazillion sq. ft. of new, old and needle-in-a-haystack needs that fall between low-price and priceless.

5) Brooke & Monti – Movin’ 92.5 – refreshing mix of real, funny and really funny – saviors of the morning commute.

6) After Hours – Holy hodgepodge! Non-traditional venues for restaurant workers, bartenders, other “closers” and those who get warmed up after dinner and don’t like to drown themselves in a race to throw down booze before 2am only to drive home drunk (think: European/South American party style). The freaks definitely do come out this late at night, so try my advice: get in, get’cher fun on and avoid holding eye contact with someone for more than 3 seconds.

7) Uptight Seattleite – The wittiest use of Seattle-esque tactics and idiosyncrasies used to satirize Seattle. Like watching a film in your native language with a group of people who are reading the subtitles in their language, transplants will be the only ones getting the references and jokes while the others are reading a totally different translation. This column is a dog whistle for transplants and the few Seattleites who are tuned in to self-deprecating humor.

8) Pho’ – Cold, flu, hangover or just a tummy-warming treat. Seattle’s got plenty of good, cheap, no-frills Pho’ places. And one with a frill that’s to die for – Than Bros complimentary cream puff!

9) Re-PC – Mouses/Mice (?!), memory, monitors, keyboards, speakers, scanners, printers, MP3s, software…find what you need while rummaging through mountains of well-organized everything electronic – all for just a couple of bucks if you don’t mind “pre-owned” or corporate bulk.

10) DMV – Do not adjust your lenses, that does indeed stand for Department of Motor Vehicles. Websites (not all of them, but the few that I used) for each of the locations feature a real-time camera of the waiting room, an estimated wait time counter on the side and –the downtown one I used—lets you get a number before you go. The ultimate oxymoron – an efficient DMV.

11) The Seattle Freeze – One day I will write a whole piece on this intriguing, perplexing phenomenon that defines the gradual perception and paradigm shift between visiting Seattle and living in Seattle. Read the linked article that put a name to the face (change) that becomes the center point for all transplants to the city.

12) Tweakers – Seattle’s dirty little sub-culture secret: paranoid, after-hours, couch-surfing, thieving, meth-head population that would anchor an Intervention franchise and earn Dr. Drew Pinsky tenure.

13) Meth Dealers – Supplying the aforementioned Tweakers and all the spectacles that go with them.

Operating in their very own time zone, sometimes in tandem with police, with the mailman, with the local mafia - just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all…

14) Riding the Bus – Sound Transit – Again, the sights, sounds, spectacles and police blotter entries merit a column of their own. But here’s a recent example.

15) Committees – The laudable effort to be all-inclusive seems to yield the unintended consequence of inertia and mediocrity. Donald Trump blasted the idea of design-by-committee and specifically pointed to the invisible Freedom Tower as a result for this approach. Silver lining: I was able to work the word clusterf*@% into my lexicon.

16) Passive~Aggressive – Did that person just tell me to go eff myself? But she was smiling and polite. Wait, what just happened here?

17) Mayor Greg Nichols - …oh wait….he’s no longer…REALLY?!

18) People’s Republic of Capitol Hill – Cap Hill Resident: “Go WHERE?! Why? Those people are weird, rude, shady, flaky…there. Let’s just go somewhere around HERE instead. (Few minutes later) I am like SO tired of this place, you always see the same people every day here. I am SO over it. Hey, wanna go to Broadway?”

19) Voting Repeatedly to Raise Taxes – referendums, ballot measures every election or voting cycle to raise taxes for fill-in-the-blank cause. Yes! to higher taxes!

20) Caucasian Guilt Complex – I won’t exacerbate the guilt by calling you out. You know who you are.

21) Homeless – A terrible, structural problem that the city boldy confronted with a 10 Year Plan to end homelessness. Street corners, Pike Place lookout, on/off ramps..the ubiquitous panhandlers can make a pretty good living. I heard a radio interview with a homeless advocate pleading with people not to give them cash, that the city and charities have ample resources to help. Two studies I read during my 5 year stay alleged prime locations can yield a mind-boggling average of $400 a DAY! See: Caucasian Guilt Complex.

22) Dogs – Doggie daycare, doggie spas, obedience school, world class grooming…watching people greet, inquire about, obligatory ask-before-petting, referring to them by their “real name” instead of “he/she”.

23) All the beautiful, bizarre, mysterious, unexplained, seemingly impossible, conspiratorial, downright effed up phenomenon & other I’d-tell-you-but-you-wouldn’t-believe-me-anyway shit that I witnessed & chipped away at my sanity, (mental) health, faith in human beings, common sense and logic. But it wouldn’t have been the same without it.