Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
My Name is William, But You Can Call Me…
Hello. I am a word, but one little word in the English language and I am here to set the record straight. The problem is that I am often misunderstood, taken out of context and I feel used. People use me in every conceivable situation and have assigned my name to so many different things that the mere mention of my name furrows foreheads and casts confusion amidst otherwise uninterrupted, smooth discussions. How is it that a word like me is being cheated of my own unique identity while other words like squeegee command immediate recognition?! Let me explain to you what I mean.
The origin of my proper name, William, is a popular given name of old Germanic origin. It became very popular in the English language after the Norman Conquest of 1066, and remained so throughout the Middle Ages and into the modern era. Since then, I have been shortened to just four letters (actually three distinct letters, one is used twice) and one syllable.
I am often coupled with and used to describe the word “dollar” (a piece of paper money in United States’ currency). However, in American slang, particularly among those involved in gambling or the black market, my name is synonymous to the highest denomination of currency – one hundred big ones, bearing the face of Philadelphia native and noted inventor Benjamin Franklin.
Many people who live on their own, rent or pay mortgage cringe at the mere thought me! Perhaps this is why I am given away so eagerly and so freely. In fact, utility companies (mainly electric, hydro, cable, phone and waste management) send a copy of me to each of their customers once a month or more. Others accept me with somewhat reluctantly with sigh after having received a copy of me in exchange a product or service rendered, such as a meal in a restaurant or repairs on a vehicle. My versatility is showcased most often in this scenario as I can be used as a noun (the document, statement or list of product(s) and/or service(s) provided) or as a verb (the act of issuing the aforementioned document, statement or list). Oh no, there’s more…
Picture in your mind a baseball field. See the players in the outfield? You see what they are wearing on their head? Now zoom in closer…I am the canopy on their cap, the awning over their eyes, indeed the brim of their hat.
From the forehead to the middle of the face, this says it all: a bird is to a beak as a duck is to…me!
Showbiz and Hollywood folk use me as well. Evidently, they deem me worthy to detail the lineup of acts, shows, performances and other forms of entertainment, generally taking the form of a list for a particular event.
Now do you know exactly what I am?!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Things I Miss About Seattle – In No Particular Order
Things I Miss About Seattle – In No Particular Order
1) The Stranger – Smart, witty, tongue-in-cheek, finger-on-the-pulse-of-the-city weekly publication with an outstanding team led by Dan Savage that delivers consistency and reader anticipation week after week.
2) Mike’s Noodle House – Small, intimate setting keeps things clean & efficient for a fresh, hot, authentic meal that has added a new dimension to traditional, Western “comfort foods”.
3) Summer Weather & Spectacular Scenery – Unless you’ve visited, most know only of the gray, damp days of Seattle. But June to October (generally speaking) boasts sun-filled, cloudless days with perfect temps, breathtaking views of Mt. Ranier, Cascades, sparkling crests on Lake Washington and soothing sunsets across Puget Sound.
4) Gigantic Goodwill – VCRs, weird wires, industry-aberrant frame sizes – I once got a $5 box fan there during an unusual and brutal heatwave when absolutely every other store in the area was completely sold out! A bazillion sq. ft. of new, old and needle-in-a-haystack needs that fall between low-price and priceless.
5) Brooke & Monti – Movin’ 92.5 – refreshing mix of real, funny and really funny – saviors of the morning commute.
6) After Hours – Holy hodgepodge! Non-traditional venues for restaurant workers, bartenders, other “closers” and those who get warmed up after dinner and don’t like to drown themselves in a race to throw down booze before 2am only to drive home drunk (think: European/South American party style). The freaks definitely do come out this late at night, so try my advice: get in, get’cher fun on and avoid holding eye contact with someone for more than 3 seconds.
7) Uptight Seattleite – The wittiest use of Seattle-esque tactics and idiosyncrasies used to satirize Seattle. Like watching a film in your native language with a group of people who are reading the subtitles in their language, transplants will be the only ones getting the references and jokes while the others are reading a totally different translation. This column is a dog whistle for transplants and the few Seattleites who are tuned in to self-deprecating humor.
8) Pho’ – Cold, flu, hangover or just a tummy-warming treat. Seattle’s got plenty of good, cheap, no-frills Pho’ places. And one with a frill that’s to die for – Than Bros complimentary cream puff!
9) Re-PC – Mouses/Mice (?!), memory, monitors, keyboards, speakers, scanners, printers, MP3s, software…find what you need while rummaging through mountains of well-organized everything electronic – all for just a couple of bucks if you don’t mind “pre-owned” or corporate bulk.
10) DMV – Do not adjust your lenses, that does indeed stand for Department of Motor Vehicles. Websites (not all of them, but the few that I used) for each of the locations feature a real-time camera of the waiting room, an estimated wait time counter on the side and –the downtown one I used—lets you get a number before you go. The ultimate oxymoron – an efficient DMV.
11) The Seattle Freeze – One day I will write a whole piece on this intriguing, perplexing phenomenon that defines the gradual perception and paradigm shift between visiting Seattle and living in Seattle. Read the linked article that put a name to the face (change) that becomes the center point for all transplants to the city.
12) Tweakers – Seattle’s dirty little sub-culture secret: paranoid, after-hours, couch-surfing, thieving, meth-head population that would anchor an Intervention franchise and earn Dr. Drew Pinsky tenure.
13) Meth Dealers – Supplying the aforementioned Tweakers and all the spectacles that go with them.
Operating in their very own time zone, sometimes in tandem with police, with the mailman, with the local mafia - just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all…
14) Riding the Bus – Sound Transit – Again, the sights, sounds, spectacles and police blotter entries merit a column of their own. But here’s a recent example.
15) Committees – The laudable effort to be all-inclusive seems to yield the unintended consequence of inertia and mediocrity. Donald Trump blasted the idea of design-by-committee and specifically pointed to the invisible Freedom Tower as a result for this approach. Silver lining: I was able to work the word clusterf*@% into my lexicon.
16) Passive~Aggressive – Did that person just tell me to go eff myself? But she was smiling and polite. Wait, what just happened here?
17) Mayor Greg Nichols - …oh wait….he’s no longer…REALLY?!
18) People’s Republic of Capitol Hill – Cap Hill Resident: “Go WHERE?! Why? Those people are weird, rude, shady, flaky…there. Let’s just go somewhere around HERE instead. (Few minutes later) I am like SO tired of this place, you always see the same people every day here. I am SO over it. Hey, wanna go to Broadway?”
19) Voting Repeatedly to Raise Taxes – referendums, ballot measures every election or voting cycle to raise taxes for fill-in-the-blank cause. Yes! to higher taxes!
20) Caucasian Guilt Complex – I won’t exacerbate the guilt by calling you out. You know who you are.
21) Homeless – A terrible, structural problem that the city boldy confronted with a 10 Year Plan to end homelessness. Street corners, Pike Place lookout, on/off ramps..the ubiquitous panhandlers can make a pretty good living. I heard a radio interview with a homeless advocate pleading with people not to give them cash, that the city and charities have ample resources to help. Two studies I read during my 5 year stay alleged prime locations can yield a mind-boggling average of $400 a DAY! See: Caucasian Guilt Complex.
22) Dogs – Doggie daycare, doggie spas, obedience school, world class grooming…watching people greet, inquire about, obligatory ask-before-petting, referring to them by their “real name” instead of “he/she”.
23) All the beautiful, bizarre, mysterious, unexplained, seemingly impossible, conspiratorial, downright effed up phenomenon & other I’d-tell-you-but-you-wouldn’t-believe-me-anyway shit that I witnessed & chipped away at my sanity, (mental) health, faith in human beings, common sense and logic. But it wouldn’t have been the same without it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
I Do Not Like My Muffin Top: With Some Help From Dr. Seuss
I am Scott
And I do not like my muffin top.
On my side you flip, you flop
I do not like you, muffin top.
Have you tried to exercise?
I have tried to exercise.
Day by day, run, row and ride,
To shrink that flesh up on my side.
Indeed, I vie to exercise.
Stretching, lifting, cardio,
Yoga, pilates and Pi-Yo.
Scott I am
I am Scott
And I do not like my muffin top.
Crunches, curls,
Bars and bells,
Grit my teeth
And sweat like hell!
Broomstick twists,
Side lifts,
Swiss ball
I’ve tried them all.
I’ve tried to squat,
I’ve tried to sit.
But in my pants
Muffin top won’t fit.
Scott I am
I am Scott
And I do not like my muffin top.
Oh muffin top,
What will it take
To relieve me of this heartbreak?
Fight the flab,
Forbid the fat,
Toughen the tummy,
And work those lats!
For one day soon
I’ll be chic,
No “spare”, no “tire”
On my obliques.
Good-bye lumps
Au revoir my rolls
So long love handles
It’s time to go.
One more time
Before I stop
Scott I am
I am Scott
I bid adieu, my muffin top.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Scottservations From Church: Confessions from a Curious Soul
Scottservations From Church: Confessions from a Curious Soul
Every once in a while I like to go to church. I don’t go for your typical reasons like a feeling of obligation, guilt or even for the post-pew potluck and chatter. I go because I learn something new every time. And sometimes the information, perspective, point of view, and way of thinking – if looked at through the eyes of those who hold it rather than your own—is dense and powerful. The genesis of many of today’s rituals, symbols, laws and other diurnal duties can be traced directly to the major world religions.
I went to 12:00pm mass (also called, “high mass” to which I asked, “is there a low mass?” Reasonable question, no? Why so much hierarchy in Catholicism, we’re all friggin’ human?! Story continues below..). Generally speaking, when I think of Catholic -the brand- I think pomp, hypocrisy and a reputable place for women to go with unwanted pregnancies. Mass can be a beautiful and breathtaking parade evoking thoughts and descriptions like “ornate, edifices, relics and grandeur”, or it can be a downright freakshow.
I’ve been trying to keep the random Scottservations from today’s attendance in my short-term memory since the walk back home. I hope I can recall them all with clarity. Here they go, as I attempt to impose a sense of order to them all.
Thanks to St. Paul Cathedral for hosting my curious soul and opening the gates to insight.
- I will finally be able to tell someone else’s kid someday that I literally walked a mile in snow knee-deep , up and down hill, in the cold, just to go to church! And, I walked home afterwards.
- Irony was the theme for the day - sometimes implicit, other times explicit. Keep this in mind as you read on. See if you can detect it along the way.
- The weather was so bad that the priest gave members dispensation today, or a “pass”, if you will, from attending mass today. He noted and thanked everyone for the higher-than-usual attendance.
- Nothing says glorious morning, peace and happiness like bowing before an emaciated guy, wearing a crown of thorns, hands and feet nailed to a cross with blood oozing from his head. That’s creepy…lemme look up and around so it looks like I’m admiring the architecture..dat di daa…holy CRAP! There are pictures of death and destruction and misery and pain and blood and torture EVERYWHERE! These stories must have been like Grand Theft Auto of their time.
- I noted to my Catholic compadre on the way in the Cathedral how “hierarchical” the Catholic Church is; it’s as if there are levels of holiness and closeness to God, I remarked. There are, he said. By the time I could begin to question, we were finding our seat and the bells were tolling.
- Not so fast! What is this I see outlined along the side of The Mother Church of the Diocese of Pittsburgh bulletin: “Reverend William Dorner, Very Reverend Donald Breier and Most Reverend David Zubik”. There’s even a hierarchy and levels of reverendness?! I’ll bet in Catholic school they used “reverend infinity” as a superlative when boasting reverendness on the playground.
- Catholic Mass is a ceremony. Enjoyment of this ceremony can be measured and determined by many variables – acoustics, condition and comfort of pews, infants crying, hotness of priest, size of the organ (did I have to go there?!) to name a few.
- How come there’s a little old guy who holds the oversized Bible up for the priest to read? He reads the same thing every week. And they priest actually reads from the Bible as if it were a teleprompter. Shouldn’t he have it memorized by now?! Hmm..it’s like when we look at karaoke lyrics when we’ve SUNG THOSE SONGS A MILLION TIMES AND KNOW THEM BY HEART! Maybe we think that, somehow, by following the text, eyes zigzagging fixedly across the screen or page, the creator will speak through us, channeling the almighty.
- The kneel benches were particularly useful today as the floors became increasingly wet due to the snow melting from our shoes and boots.
- The young man (college freshman/sophomore) behind me knew every word to every chant, hymn and other priest parrot parts. He was by himself and must have been a bad, bad boy as he whispered audibly throughout prayer time that he needed “forgiveness…please, please forgive me” to the point that it made me wonder exactly it was that he did..and if it was safe for him to be sitting behind me.
- “Forgiveness Boy”, I’ll call him, mistook his bottle of aqua di holy for Aqua di Gio this morning. At least he smelled good.
o A side Scottservation, I smelled Aqua di Gio on four other guys, in separate areas of the church! God like Giorgio Armani.
- The Pope is the ultimate diva.
- Okay, the “Office of” or “position of” Pope is diva.
- The Catholic Church is the oldest, most effective and powerful network the planet has ever seen.
- When my friend sneezed, I was the only one to say….
- The guy beside me was very thoughtful for declining to shake my hand during “peace be with you” meet & greet, as he motioned to me that he had a cold. He had a pretty big nose too.
- Hey, I think I saw that A&F shirt on a documentary I watched yesterday. Those teenage kids from Boliva get paid $0.03 an hour to make those.
- Hey, why does the staff that the old guy is carrying have Jesus with one nail holding both feet together while the big statue cross on the side of the cathedral has Jesus with each foot nailed separately?
- During collection, I wondered how many cents of every dollar went to pay for lawyers. I further wondered how many cents per dollar went to pay off settlements for sexually abused children. I wondered even more how many people around me were thinking the same thing I was. Not too many.
o I wonder how much the electric bill was last month.
- Today, we especially prayed for those in the medical profession, those with terminal illness, that those who are serving in the military be kept safe, and finally for those who have vowed a life of poverty, celibacy and a vocation dedicated to God – priests.
- People are generally good-hearted and want to do what’s right. There’s a small fraction/faction that see this and exploit this in people. This small fraction/faction rules the world.
- Our homily today dealt with trust. Simon was a fisherman. This one day, he was really pooped. Been out all day long and caught nothing. His nets were clean and he was ‘bout to go home when Jesus showed up and told him to go out farther and cast his nets. Long story short, Simon started catching so many fish his nets began to break. Then, he had so many fish on his boat that it was in danger of sinking (or, as my Grandmom would say, it pert near sank).
o If this story were written in periodic table-esque form, it would be Fe-E.
- The bathrooms were clean and comfy, the first stall was private and ideal for #2.
Ice Cold Tomato Juice
About 3 years ago, I was to meet up with a buddy of mine and another couple for brunch. One girl and her boyfriend, my friend and me– 4 in all. To put this politely, I went “out” the night before and got in just in time to get a shower, pretty up and look decent (ahem).
We went to brunch at a nice, chill place on Broadway in Seattle.
The server makes a brief stop to say he’ll be back to get drink orders. All four of us are deep in thought, scouring the drink menu. I am sitting across the table from my female co-worker. I am thinking to myself, “Man, I have this craving for tomato juice. That’s weird, cause the only time I EVER drink tomato juice is when I’m on an airplane…and I gotta have lots of ice in a cup.”
Here’s the odd, once-in-a-lifetime part.
The waiter returns and asks for the girl (sitting across from me) to start. She hesitates, and then says outloud, “You know, I have this odd craving for tomato juice. That may not sound weird, but the only time I ever really want tomato juice is when I’m on an airplane. And it has to be really cold with lots of ice. Isn’t that weird? I don’t know why I just told you all that.”
What are the chances?
That was either the biggest coup de coincidence or magnificent display of “thought projection” I’ve ever experienced in my life..so far. Anybody else experience anything like this?!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Super-facial Attributes: Glossy Gals & Crude Dudes
Super-facial Attributes: Glossy Gals & Crude Dudes
Approved by Scottservation #12 on the twenty first day of February, Two Thousand and Ten.
WHEREAS men with facial hair drag three, four or even FIVE razor blades across their face every, or every other day –essentially and explicitly labeled "shaving their face", aptly descriptive;
WHEREAS men often suffer from and nicks, cuts, bumps, ingrown hairs, razor burn from aforementioned face shaving;
WHEREAS products aimed at alleviating, eliminating, reducing and otherwise making the act of and post-process of said shaving of the face less aggravating are limited in quality, choice and are marketed less aggressively, and therefore less known, to men as compared to the same line of products for women;
WHEREAS most men do not wear makeup (Adam Lambert and TV anchors don't count): no toner, no concealer, no cover up, no mascara, no blush, no eye shadow, no lip liner, no eyebrow crayon, etc.;
WHEREAS most men do not adorn frills: glitter, gloss, glitz, sparkles, shimmer, sheen or shine;
WHEREAS men do not engage in the use of fake body parts or extensions: quite literally, fake hair extensions, fake eyelashes, acrylic fingernails, rhinestone toenails, silicon, saline and so on;
WHEREAS men aren't generally taught grooming and maintenance rituals: eyebrow plucking, eyelash curling, unsightly hair bleaching, mud mask wearing, salt scrubbing, exfoliating and application of a variety -- ranging from household to exotic -- of fruits, vegetables, plants, extracts, oils and essences;
WHEREAS men who are found engaging in one or more of the aforementioned are often categorized, marginalized, sneered at, ridiculed, judged, ostracized and branded with labels like: queer, sissy, pretty boy, prima donna, metrosexual, homosexual, fag, dainty, delicate and girly-man;
THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, ladies, that men may not be as pretty as you, as glamorous as you, as ornate as you, as maintained as you, and therefore may not look as young and vibrant as you wish them to; commenting and stating the obvious -- that guys on or around your age look “rough” and more “weathered” than you do -- may solicit girl group high fives, but consider offering brow-raising encouragement rather than a brow beating.
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that men are natural, what-you-see-is-what-you-get cosmetic showcases. And you should note this the next time you see a “hot” or “beautiful” man. In fact, you should recognize this in the man that you have, or in the one that you want. Now go out there and show guys some love and I'll betcha you'll get some back.